You know I’m no stranger in your dreams
You know I’m no stranger in your dreams…
Oh and I’m craving, I’m howling, I’m begging, I’m pleading
You’re mine tonight, oh yeah
Oh and I’m waiting, I’m dying, I’m wanting and I’m needing
to show you the slut I am
where I’ll be touching and holding, caressing and giving you
every fantasy, yeah
I’ve got you dreaming and lusting, I’m burning and praying
for more of this ecstasy
come here boy, come here boy yeah
come here boy, come here boy yeah
come here boy, come here boy yeah
come here boy, come here boy yeah
come here boy, come here boy
You know I’m no stranger in your dreams
Yay! >_<
I don’t think I’ve been this frustrated and annoyed in my life. I feel crowded. Like everywhere I go he is there standing over my shoulder. Think naively that everything I say and do is about him. When it is in face not. When everything I say is in fact about someone else. How is making my life so difficult from so far away? How does he do it?
He’s ruining everything for me right now. I need space from him. I need him to understand that I don’t want to be with him that way. That my end goal is not to be in his life, to be his wife. That it is in fact to just with out anyone else’s attachments or baggage. I have my own thank you very much.
I’m so frustrated and confused. I wish he would just leave me alone for a while.
I’m caught between fear and something that resembles love.
Without you… I don’t make sense. Without your heart beat. Your ivory skin in contrast with my sun brown flesh. Your big lips, my big eyes. Without you, my darling sister, my other half… Where would I be?
Without him… I make even less sense. Without his silly chuckles. His large hands enveloping my long fingers. His physicality, my mentality. Without him, my love, my angel… Where would I be?
I put my hand on him. Touching him has always been important to me, it was something I lived for. I never could explain why. Little, nothing touches; my fingers against his shoulder, our thighs pressed together as we sat squashed in the back seat of a raucous van. I couldn’t explain it, but I needed it. Sometimes I imagined stitching all of our little touches together. How many hundreds of thousands of fingers brushing against each other does it take to make love?
Oh fury! This white hot silence. Like love and passion and anger all rolled into one.
Oh fury! How you burn me.
Love is patient. Love is blind. Love is slowly loosing your mind.
If humans suddenly disappeared, New York would be a wild place.
Vines swallow the cement and dig fingers mercilessly into it’s innards; giant cracks appear in the streets and buildings. Cats govern the skyscrapers as vegetation inside the buildings expounds and become habitat for birds and rodents. Trees grow in the window-free upper stories.
150 years after the disappearance of humans is the great collapse. Structures break down as metal rods in reinforced cement corrode. Steel edifices fail the test of time. It is an era of decay and destruction.
God where has my inspiration gone? Oh to my other blog. heh. I think I’m starting to understand now. Starting to understand myself a little bit more.
I think I will take one class this semester. Just one. Maybe religious studies, or Tai Chi, or Biology. Or something random like that. What do you think?
But besides that, I feel like maybe all of this indecision and pain and disconnectedness is just my subconscious telling me it’s time to grow up. To live my life to standards that I gave myself. I have all these dreams, but who is to say I can’t live them? Who is to say I can’t make them come true?
I do feel trapped in many ways. But I think if I just remember where it is I’m trying to go it won’t seem so pointless.
I’m kinda sorta seeing this guy. I don’t really know what to call it. We’re not friends with benefits, because we’re not really friends. We’re getting to know each other. We hang out every once in a while… At his place… We’ve only been on one date. But we haven’t had sex, so I’m not his booty call. But that’s what I mean! I over think things— a lot! And I gotta remember that we are taking things slow, being chill. And then I can breathe, then I’m OK with not talking to him all the time. I’m not freaking out.. I’m not such a girl, I guess you could say.
Work is good. As good as any small job can get. I work at Starbucks, if I haven’t mentioned it yet. I have two wonderful friends out here, who are helping me grow and realize my potential. Sometimes they are annoying, but mostly they help see how I am compared to how they are.
I’m here with my family and that is wonderful. Seeing my 14 year cousin grow up. She’ll be starting high school soon, and she is lovely and kind. My best friend and cousin Chris, is close by too. And I’ve seen him more in the last few months than in my entire life. And I love that. I get along great with everyone. I feel everyday that I am a little closer to everyone. Understanding them all a little more. Understanding myself a little more with them.
Sorry that’s so long. Feels good to get it off my chest though.
holdyourcolour asked: So I know this is a joint blog and all so my apologies but I miss you, Sumi. I wish we had gotten to know each other earlier, seems like we hardly did at all before you had to leave. :l
I know sweetie. I wish we had gotten to know each other better too. I loved having you in my AP Lang class. You were such a hoot and a holler. Ha. But you, my dear, are brilliant and I know you will do wonderful things in this life. And I’m always here reading your words, hoping your doing OK.
I remember these moments of when we were in high school. Summers spent running around Lake Charm and stealing oranges from people’s yards. And winters passed in bookstores reading art magazines and drinking coffee and tea.
That’s what I think of when I think of high school.
The river near my apartment that we swam in. The Saturday morning breakfasts that we absolutely loved.
The four of us laughing, talking. Contemplating life, boys, college, the future, dreams.
It feels strange to have all of these memories and know that I can’t just call up each and everyone of them and they appear within minutes, in their cars, with their bags, and their music, and their beauty.
That is who I am. Thoughts and memories.
Yes, perfect sense.
She’s worried you’re languishing away, settling for what you have instead of pushing forward and working towards a means to a better life. I think you’re wise for wanting to wait, though. You can’t set out without knowing where you want to go, knowing you have the strength, and resources to get there. Trust me, you dun wanna learn the hard way. You need to know yourself and your capabilities. And you need to trust you know what’s best for you. She’s not in your head, and she can’t feel what you’re feeling. You’re a smart, ambitious, responsible adult. Be yourself, fuck everyone else.
I’m feeling the same way, to be honest. How am I supposed to know what I want to do when I haven’t been allowed to try anything? Sample a palette of interests and decide what’s the best fit. I don’t even know what my interests ARE anymore. How can they expect me to settle down and build a metropolis for myself when I haven’t seen the world? Heard it’s voices and tasted the air away from this stuffy, redneck town?
What I want is no attachments. No responsibility. Nothing holding me back. I want to life fast, crash and burn. And feel alive doing it.
I just want to get out.
Good morning world and stars. You are cold today. Cold like my fingertips. And yet I feel so warm and safe here in my city. This morning when clouds filled my brain and filled your sky. In this morning.
Oh give me this morning. Of wooden boxes painted silver filled with rain and yellow stars. Hallelujah my love. Living in me, my love. My city, living in me. Oh sweet morning with your tendrils of chill.
I need your warmth this cold cold morning. Make my love. Oh sweet love. Here in my city. Here under my yellow stars. In this wooden bed. Make my love warm not cold. Hallelujah.
Very well put, sister.
This will serve as our Never Land, and our Hogwarts Castle.
I feel so trapped right now. I was told by my aunt today that I had to go to college whether I wanted to or not. And I tried to explain to her that I wasn’t like other people. That I just needed time. That I would go to college next fall. But I needed time to figure out who I am.
I miss the feeling of having a face, an identity. I miss the freedom of my thoughts. Of my thoughts being heard.
I wish I could understand what my body, and mind, and soul were telling me. I wish I understood me. Does that make sense?